The Shackles of Motherhood
Am I even doing the right thing?
Motherhood is a miracle not experienced by all. I am eternally grateful to a good God that I am a mother, that I get to experience motherhood. It fills my lungs with meaning and opens my eyes to purpose. Yet, motherhood also shackles me to dark fears, heavy guilts, and crushing self-doubt.
Recently, the shackles have come in the form of: Am I even doing the right thing for my kids?
You see, our toddler daughters have never gone to daycare. One is three and the other is a year old. They live out their days at home or parks or play date houses or church. They interact with other kids some, but they are hardly ever away from me. In the past six months, our three-year-old has developed a big fear of doing anything new without us right beside her, quite literally right beside her. She’ll scream, she’ll cry, she’ll throw a fit. Even if it’s something fun, she’ll declare that it’s not fun at all. Even if it’s something she was previously excited about, she’ll decide that she never wants to do it again.
In those moments, all I feel is discouragement. Not necessarily at her, but at myself. As her mother, did my choice in keeping her home hold her back? Where other kids are used to being without their parents, is she somehow lacking in that independence because of her extra time with me?
Am I even doing the right thing for her?
It’s hard for me, as a mother, to look at this decision that I wouldn’t trade for the world and feel as if it has somehow been the wrong decision. As if it is somehow hurting her development. As if I am somehow holding her back.
Yes, there is discouragement and sadness felt, but only at myself.
Similarly, I look at our youngest daughter and I wonder again: Am I even doing the right thing for her? It’s easy for me to look back at her older sister and think she was talking more at this age, she was sitting still for a story at this age, she was…I don’t try to compare them because I know they are different in their own unique ways, yet the shackles of motherhood pull my mind towards those thoughts.
In those moments, I feel immense sadness and overwhelming pressure that I am not, and have not, done enough for our second daughter. Maybe I haven’t been working with her enough. Maybe I haven’t been focusing on her enough. Maybe I haven’t…. There’s a list and it’s daunting.
I think about the things I need to do for them, the things I need to improve on as a mother, and it brings me to tears because I want to do the right thing for them both, but I fear there won’t be enough time in the day. I fear I will focus so hard on certain things that I will miss other good things altogether.
I fear that I won’t do enough for them.
If you began reading this newsletter in hopes of a solution to the shackles of motherhood, or even an encouragement about being in them, I’m afraid I have neither of those things for you. I myself have no answers and maybe I never will. Maybe I will always feel the shackles of motherhood in some way, in some form. Maybe it’s not about being free of them, but rather being able to do motherhood confidently and comfortably despite of them. Maybe it’s about not letting the shackles define who we are in motherhood but rather overcoming them and defining motherhood for ourselves.
Let’s continue the conversation:
How do you feel shackled in motherhood?
Have you found a way to overcome the shackles of motherhood?
What encouragement would you give a mother feeling this way?
Want to read more Little Bits of Everything?
A Dear September letter including a plea for her to be gentle to us
A hard truth that There is No Right Time to do what you love
A note on mental health and how Anxiety is My Puppeteer
A letter to all mamas to Hold Them a Little Longer Mama
The most honest Four Gentle Reminders that everyone needs to hear
A popular short story the question: Do you love him?
I have no advice but I am right here with you, with so many of the same fears. I hold onto the idea that independence comes from dependence, that they will do things by themselves when they are ready, and all we can do in the meantime is build a secure foundation so they know they can always find their way home to us.