To Hold On or To Let Go
A letter to my second daughter
To my youngest daughter, to my sweet baby. You are growing up so quickly before my eyes. You’re one now and with that comes a new challenge for me. Each day I watch as you learn about the world around you in wonder and amazement. As you walk around (or attempt to run like your sister) you’re learning new things, seeing new things. I absolutely adore witnessing you beam with pride as you take steps towards each new thing. Yet, part of me aches in the newness.
How are we mamas supposed to hold on with all our might and slowly let go at the same time?
I want to hold onto you until my arms are weak and weary and give out. I want to sing you lullabies until my vocal cords bleed raw. I want to snuggle you to sleep until there’s no room for both of us in the rocking chair. I want to love you so fiercely that it somehow finds a way to stop time. Yet, I also want to watch you grow. I also want to teach you to be independent. I also want you to grow up knowing that you are able and capable without me.
The contrasting desires of my heart are constantly at war. To hold on or to let go. It both challenges me and shatters me.
So, can I make you a deal, my sweet, adventurous, little girl? Can I make you a deal that mama will slowly let go, so you can learn the world for yourself, only if you promise to come back to me? Can you promise me that? Please.
Can you come back to me so I can hold you even when my arms are weary and weak, so I can sing to you even when I have no voice left to sing with, so I can rock with you even when we both don’t fit? My love for you is a fierce fire that will never burn out, my daughter. My love for you is so fierce that even when I am old and grey I will never stop trying to hold onto you with all my might.
I hope one day you understand that I couldn’t love you or your sister more if I tried. I hope one day that you and your sister understand that there is nothing in this world I would rather do than love you girls and your father. It’s my sole purpose from God, the only thing I’ll always be capable of. I will fail at everything else, but I promise I will never fail at that, at loving you three.
Always.
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